10 Tips to Understand and Manage Toddler Tantrums Effectively

What are tantrums?

Tantrums are a physical outburst of frustration, anger or overwhelming feelings experienced by your toddler when things aren’t going the way they would like them to. This strong desire to get things right isn’t all bad, it can also give them the motivation to achieve new physical milestones such as crawling. Their frustration helps to propel them forward to achieve new things. Common temper tantrum behaviours include:

• Stamping their feet
• Screaming and yelling
• Kicking
• Squealing
• Throwing themself to the floor
• Head banging on the floor or a wall
• Holding their breath until they pass out (now there’s a fun one…not)
• Biting
• Deliberately not eating
• Holding on to poo

Why do tantrums occur?

Whilst tantrums may feel really frustrating for parents, throwing tantrums are actually a normal behaviour in your toddler’s development. A tantrum indicates that your toddler is gaining a healthy sense of identity and independence.

Your toddler may have a tantrum because they’re trying to tell you something that they can’t quite express in words. Sometimes your toddler’s mental and motor skills have progressed more quickly than their ability to communicate (verbal communications skills). They may be feeling scared, overwhelmed or frustrated but haven’t developed the skills yet to say, “I’m feeling frustrated”.  Toddlers may get frustrated when they either don’t get their way, or they are trying to do something they can’t achieve. For example, your toddler may be trying to climb higher than what they can.

If your toddler is hungry, tired or over-stimulated, this may make it even more difficult for your toddler to stay calm and manage their feelings.

Regardless of the cause of the tantrum, it’s important to help your toddler understand and learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Your toddler has boundless energy and keeps challenging whoever is around until they get the result they want. If they never get it, they will stop trying and eventually move onto something else – they have learnt the boundary. If you give in, your toddler may keep going until you break again, so choose your ‘cave-ins’ carefully.

If you find your toddler is throwing tantrums several times a day or often has very long uncontrollable temper tantrums, seek professional advice, as there may be an explanation you hadn’t considered.

Top 10 tips for managing toddler tantrums

Your response to a tantrum is how your toddler learns about controlling emotions and making acceptable choices. Eventually, they will learn self-control and constructive willpower. By managing tantrum behaviour in a positive way, and supporting your toddler through their big feelings, you will help your toddler learn emotional regulation.

1. Label the feeling and let your toddler know it’s ok to feel the way they are. This could be literally saying “I can see you’re upset because it’s nap time and we have to stop playing. It’s OK to feel sad about that”. By doing this you not only make your toddler feel seen, but also help them to label the feeling next time the same emotion comes up.
2. Communicate clear boundaries and be consistent. We want our toddlers to understand that while all feelings are ok, all behaviours are not. Stick to a daily routine where possible, toddlers thrive with some structure and consistency. Boundaries provide structure which toddlers thrive on! This could sound like “I can see you’re upset because it’s nap time. It’s OK to feel sad because you want to keep playing. Right now, it’s time for a nap”. Also make it clear to your toddler which behaviours are not acceptable and where necessary remove them (or the item causing the tantrum) away from the situation – “It’s not OK to throw the ball at your sister. I’m going to move her away, to keep her safe”, or “I’m going to put the ball away now.” Don’t give in to tantrums, if you do your toddler will work out in no time that they just need to get worked up in order to get what they want. Being consistent enforcing boundaries helps your toddler learn how to cope when things don’t go their way. Make sure you discuss boundaries with your partner and other carers too.
3. Give your toddler age-appropriate choices. Instead of telling your toddler what they CAN’T do, tell them what they CAN do. By giving your toddler choices, it makes them feel in control of their decisions and feeds their need to be independent. “After nap, would you like to play in the sand pit or ride your bike?” Avoid saying “no” too often and try to rephrase your sentence positively instead to something like “why don’t we try this instead?”
4. Prepare your toddler ahead of time.  Transitions are hard for toddlers, especially when going from something fun (playing), to something not so fun (like bath time). When toddlers know what is going to happen and when, it makes them feel safe. Explain to your toddler what is going to happen next and again, give them a choice or ‘task’ so they feel involved - “Would you like to play with your duck or turtle in the bath?”
5. Teach your toddler healthy coping skills. Help your toddler learn ways to let out their big feelings in a safe way. It could be as simple as moving to a quiet spot or turning music on and dancing it out.
6. Understand what situations trigger your toddlers’ tantrums and plan ahead. First, you’ll want to identify the situations which trigger a change in your toddlers’ behaviour, let’s take going grocery shopping as an example. Before you leave the house, talk to your toddler about what you expect from them and what happens when they don’t follow the ‘rules’. Keep instructions simple. Try to distract your toddler when you can see they’re heading towards a meltdown. It might be worthwhile to bring a bag with drinks, food and toys which will keep them entertained (and their tummy full!). If you can, ask a friend or family member to come with you to support. Silly faces, or a funny noise work well! Keep in mind that thorough planning won’t avoid all meltdowns.
7. Have ‘time-in’. For younger toddlers 2-3 years it’s important that they feel understood and safe. So instead of sending them into a time out as ‘punishment’ when they have big feelings, practise ‘time-in’ instead to help them calm down. This means staying with your toddler through the thick of it, potentially removing them from the situation and reassuring them that you’re there for them. If they’ll let you, it’s a great time for a hug!
8. Encourage good behaviour. Rather than concentrating on the things that they do wrong, give your toddler more attention and praise when they behave well. Learn more about positive parenting strategies.
9. Mid-tantrum is not the time for teaching. When toddlers are mid-tantrum, they are not in the right frame of mind to learn. Instead of trying to reason with your toddler during the tantrum, wait until they’ve calmed down to talk about their behaviour. Keep the conversation positive and work with them on alternative ways they could have handled the situation.
10. Try and stay calm. As hard as it is, toddlers feed off our energy. An adult with heightened emotions cannot de-escalate an escalated child. Try and stay as calm and cool as you can, and talk to your toddler with a quiet and confident tone. If you need to, take some deep breaths or remove yourself from the situation (if safe to do so) to regain your composure. Cuddles can sometimes be just what they need. Tantrums are a healthy sign of development, and they won’t last forever.

Some tips on handling tantrums in public

Your toddler may get uncomfortable with new surroundings. If they often throw temper tantrums at public places like shopping centres, then it is possible that they may not like to be out in an unfamiliar place and around unfamiliar people.

• Let your toddler know you are there with them. Don’t ignore them, instead give them a hug or pick them up gently and take a stroll to calm them down.
• Always take food and water with you when you go out so that you can feed your toddler if they feel hungry or thirsty.
• Take your toddler away from the crowd. If your toddler is not settling down, take them to a quiet place and let them calm down. Reassure them that you are around if they feel afraid.
• Take their favourite toys with you.
• Keep shopping trips short to avoid boredom and public meltdowns

If your toddler has major temper tantrums several times a day or often has very long uncontrollable tantrums, seek professional advice, as there may be an explanation you hadn’t considered. If your child’s behaviour is affecting your mental health, seek support from family and friends or seek out counselling services.